Subtitles resync by Maya K.
Well, the flowers are nice!
Sure. But the church is too big.
Laura, cool it.
Is that...you know?
Do you think the mother will show up now?
No. No.
Poor thing. He's all alone.
There he is.
He was here the whole time? I almost called the cops.
Didn't you tell him to wait for us?
Do we have to create a scene?
Why not make a scene?
Otherwise it's like I'm not even there.
You know what?
Jonas is gonna be in a nursing home by the end of the week.
Mark my words.
Keep your hands off me, kid!
Come on. Let's go sit down. Come on. Come on.
Cousin doesn't look that stupid.
He's probably thinking the same thing about you.
Could you please keep your voice down?
We're practically the only ones here.
All right, that's it. Shut up or wait in the car.
Luke, dear. Are you okay?
Screaming doesn't accomplish a single thing.
Makes you look like some blithering bozo.
Not good.
Why are you sleeping here? Is this your room?
No, grandpa. We're at the relatives'.
What are we doing here, Luke?
It's past 9:00 p.m. grandpa.
We're sleeping.
If I were 25, I wouldn't be sleeping here.
I'd be out drinking and screwing and raising hell!
It's nighttime, grandpa.
We have to use our inside voices.
Do you like to screw, boy?
Oh, I bet you do!
It's so wonderful.
This bed is shit.
Tomorrow will be a beautiful day.
But you need your rest.
I'll make you pancakes and eggs for breakfast.
Now get some sleep.
- You are not listening! - I am listening to you!
- He has lunatic fits. - Oh, come on.
I mean, god knows what other sick behaviors...
I mean, Paul, we need to get them proper care! It's what's best!
What, best for who? For you?
They're family, Cindy!
They're family. They're my family. They're our family.
You are not the one who's gonna be stuck with them all day!
Commercials... are... over.
There's company and conversation
recipes and new creations
we're cookin' up something good here at home!
Hello, family, and welcome to our indoor memorial day...
Luke, are you in here?
Every time I plan a picnic for outside on Memorial Day...
Yes, I'm here.
... and because you make them, you put it together, you're done.
So you gave us quite a scare there, Luke.
That's grandma Maggie's chair
she would never allow you to sit in it.
It's not proper to sit in someone else's seat.
I wouldn't...
We've been looking all morning for you, you know.
I'm missing work. Cindy is out of her...
Grandpa Jonas sits there. that's his seat.
He didn't like watching the tv,
so he would sit in the corner, and he would watch us.
All right, all right, I get it.
You can't sit there because it's not your chair.
Why would you run off like that? Huh?
You'll, um ... you'll come back with me when you're done eating, all right?
No.
What do you mean, "no"?
Sorry...
You can't stay here. I mean, this house is up for sale.
I thought we got rid of all your stuff.
My bed is in the attic.
I have a night lamp so it is never dark.
We'll get you another night light, okay?
This is where I live.
All right, I'm... what do you want to do? Huh?
What do you want to do? you want to stay here and watch
uh, uh, cooking shows for the rest of your life?
Is that what you want?
Talk to me. Bargain with me. Tell me something.
What do you want to do?
I want to go out and screw.
Yes. Like a boy my age.
Do you even know what that means?
So, how long will they be staying?
Your grandfather and cousin...
will be staying as long as they need to.
By executive decision.
This is complete shit.
It's not shit, grandpa. It's lasagna.
It's just undercooked...
and has too much canned tomato sauce...
and not enough flour or cheese.
But we must be grateful for the hospitality.
No! No, Paul. No.
I'm not waiting for you to take a day off.
And I'm going to see nursing homes right now.
Your fa... your father grabbed my ass this morning, slipped me a $20...
and asked me to... god, I can't even say it.
Flat ass. She can't even cook. What kind of woman is that?
Very easy to say from the comfort of your own...
Grandpa, I think we need to be quiet now.
What does it matter, boy?
I can't get it up. It's dead.
What a tragedy.
Okay, have a nice day! Okay, bye! Oh, my god!
Aunt Cindy, we need to stop at the nearest restroom.
Just hold it. We'll be there in 10.
Please.
On my car?! Oh, I just had it cleaned!
Goddamn hell! It's over, boy.
Just leave me here. I'm finished!
I will help you, grandpa.
No, no, no, no. You shouldn't be doing this.
Relax. It was only an accident. Happens to everyone.
Now, just one leg at a time, grandpa.
That's right... sh, sh!
Come on, grandpa. We have to go now.
I'm not going anywhere.
Aunt Cindy is waiting. She'll scream.
I want a cigarette.
Grandma said you couldn't have cigarettes.
they'll give you cancers, and that could make you...
Are you a child or are you a man, boy?!
You stop your damn whining!
You're not a complete moron, you know!
your grandma's not here anymore,
so you better get your shit together like anybody else!
Like a man!
Smells like a urinal!
Your mother's really something.
She bought every car-leather cleaner and air purifier that I have.
She's my Aunt Cindy.
My mother left me when I was 4 and doesn't want me back.
Can I help you?
Yes, I would like some cigarettes, please.
You don't look like the smoking type.
That's a nasty habit. you know that, right?
Yes, I know very well the dangers of smoking, but...
grandpa won't come out of the bathroom. He wants a cigarette.
I told him grandma would not approve, even though she's dead and buried
but he told me to tell you that I have money and
I'm over 18, so give me some goddamn cigarettes.
Easy, old man.
No heart attacks on my shift, okay?
Piss off. Insolent kid.
Hey, come sit down, man. what are you, a lamp post?
Come here, man.
Sam... you are a man.
Do you have your shit together like anybody else?
I don't know.
Stupid job, but it pays the bills, right?
I don't have a job.
Are you looking?
Yes. I can't watch cooking shows for the rest of my life.
I want to screw.
You definitely got your priorities straight.
Well, you can do something, right?
I mean, everybody can do something.
Who knows? One day, you may even screw.
Uncle Paul says I shouldn't think about screwing.
And for sure, not ask Aunt Cindy what it really means.
You know what?
I got something for you, my friend.
This is going to teach you everything you need to know
about screwing.
Stay true to what you want...always.
All right, I got a customer, so i got to go.
but you take ca... yeah, look at that.
Look at that right there. That's you! Yes.
We have lovely pictures around, all along the hallway.
- Yes, yes. - Carpeting...
I-it's like a hotel for old people.
Yeah, we try to make it a...
unique and relaxing experience for everyone here.
Absolutely fabulous. You have a room open today?
We do have a room available.
And repeat! And one, and two, and three.
Pathetic.
Yes.
Luke, keep an eye on the relatives.
I'm going to get a job.
Oh, that's the ticket, boy.
First the job... then you find yourself a nice girl.
A girl who doesn't nag, likes to travel and...
... screw.
Luke, who taught you that language?
"Make love," son. That's how you say it.
Okay.
You know why your mother left you?
- She was young. - ... and stupid.
she didn't even tell us who your father was.
Probably some other idiot kid.
It's true. You were a crazy child.
I felt like drowning you in the bath more than once.
Look at you now. You're a man.
Well, almost, anyway.
I won't be getting out of here.
You're on your own, kid.
Hey, how about we give each other a little alone time?
What do you think?
Brad!
Luke, I thought you were with my mom.
No, I'm standing right here.
Who is that?
It's my cousin. You know, the one I told you about?
The retard?
No, he's not retarded, exactly.
He's autistic or something. Right, Luke? Autistic?
Grandma said that I defy clinical categorization.
I'm just as special as anyone else, maybe even a little bit more.
Listen, Luke, you cannot tell mom about this, all right?
She can be a total bitch sometimes.
Just be a little white lie, you know?
All right, you're not gonna tell on me, right?
Tell what?
Oh. Pretty sharp, cousin.
Hey, um, do you want to come chill with us for a while?
Yeah, yeah, go sit down with Charlene,
and I'll go grab some beer from my dad's secret stash.
So, want to sit?
Um, sorry to hear about your grandmother.
And sorry I called you a...you know.
People who call me that are ignorant fools or retarded themselves.
I'm quite smart. I have a high-school diploma
and a certificate from advanced cooking technique by mail.
You're cute. You know that?
No. I did not. I'm cute.
So, Luke... how long were you watching us?
Three minutes?
You should have kept quiet. Could have learned a thing or two.
Mm, yes, I am a fast learner.
Could you do me a huge favor?
No...
Yes! Yes.
Could you pass me my bra? It's right over there.
Luke, are you touching my girlfriend?
Yes...
No!
Charlene is smoking-hot, isn't she?
Do you think I'm pretty?
You are very easy on the eyes.
Charlene's got the best tits in school.
But you'll have to find your own hot bitch.
Where?
Where do you find a girl?
Mm... smoking-hot bitch like Charlene.
I was joking.
But, I mean, I don't want to put you down or anything 'cause you're a nice guy.
But, um, girls, really?
Yes. Girls. Really.
Hi.
So, did the nursing home not meet your expectations?
No, it was fine. It was just fine.
Thank you for setting it up, okay?
Praise, indeed.
Oh, I found Ben and his lovely girlfriend drinking when I got home.
With Luke.
What?
Yeah, they got him drunk. he could barely speak.
He just kept staring at her tits.
Bad boy, Luke.
What did you put in these? crack?
Just butter and love.
Cousin, I think you're okay, so I'm gonna give you the heads up.
My parents are a burnt toast away from killing each other.
Think bloody, national evening news.
Mom is on heavy, heavy antidepressants but is still a psycho bitch.
And dad, although he doesn't seem it, is the worst of all.
You're not safe here. None of us are.
Cousin Megan...could I ask you a question?
Sure.
How can I find a job?
Well, there's millions of sites for that on the internet.
Don't you have a laptop?
The classifieds.
My dad still gets the local newspaper. He's so backwards.
See? Here are the jobs. Here are their numbers.
Super-easy. Even a retard could do it.
Sorry.
Morning, sweetie.
Luke.
Hi, hon.
Hey, Brad.
Well... I, uh, I best, um... I best get going. Yes.
Hey, Luke, still in one piece, buddy?
I was afraid after all that corruption we put you through...
Watch it, smart ass. Get your shit and let's go.
You ready, Megan?
No, but that's never seemed to matter.
Thanks for the breakfast.
Did... did you cook?
Yes...
Really?
I wrote up the house rules last night.
They are here. They are simple and specific.
I'll be back at 2:00.
Please don't burn down the house.
No burning. Okay.
Arlene... Arlene can wait. I need a job.
"Easy Jobs placement is your answer.
come in for a personal interview. 542 Main Street. Don't wait."
Left on 5th. Breathe. No running away to Maggie's.
No drinking beer. No reading porn.
All the rules are followed, yes.
Walk faster. Aunt Cindy gets back at 2:00 p.m.
Breathe again.
Next left.
Yeah, so, apparently I'm not girlfriend material.
Yeah, that's what he said.
Yeah, he told me that, and I was like, "I'm sorry...
who's the one living at home with his mother, unemployed?"
yeah, so, that's kind of over.
I'm gonna call you back, okay?
Can I help you?
Yes. You must.
It took me 52 minutes to get here, and I have to be back before my...
Do you have business here?
or did somebody tip you off about my tits,
and you thought you'd just come take a peek?
I need a job.
Well, you came to the right place, then...
'cause finding peeping-toms jobs is all we do here.
My name is not Tom. It's Luke.
Okay, Luke. Um, have a seat and fill this out.
I'll call you when our next job counselor's ready.
Easy Jobs. this is Maria.
Uh, I'm not totally sure she's in today. Can you hold for one second?
Yeah, it'll just be one sec.
Did you forget something?
Maria, do you not nag and like to travel?
I'm looking for a female with those specifications.
Don't you think we should find you a job before you start asking me out on dates?
Yes. One step at a time. First the job.
Right.
Uh, she's actually out of the office today.
I can transfer you to her voice mail. Great.
"First name"... Luke.
I see you graduated from high school last year.
May I ask what took so long?
Yes, you may.
What took so long?
Grandma maggie said that there was no rush
and I should go at my own special pace.
She also got sick and had trouble teaching me biology and algebra.
I didn't have that much trouble, just her.
I got a class ring that says "Hope high,"
but the school that actually sent the test was called Adult Learning Center.
Luke. I don't think I can help you.
you see, you've got no previous experience, no references,
no higher education or vocational training,
no computer skills or languages.
Do you understand?
I can cook.
Grandma Maggie taught me 23 of her favorite dinner entrée,
including breakfast. no desserts yet. And...
Okay. Okay.
Look... I know a guy you should meet.
Oh, late. Almost late.
I'm gonna get it.
2:00 p.m... Luke, five blocks, two minutes.
You can do it.
Let me guess.
You're Luke, aren't you?
Yes.
We've been looking around for you. Where you been, son?
Easy Jobs in downtown.
I'm going to get a job at Smiles,
but I didn't go there yet because Aunt Cindy gets back at 2:00 p.m.
I think she got home early, Luke.
We have a big problem.
Whatever.
Come on. Get in the car, and I'll give you a ride home.
Luke. Come on. Get in the car.
"Smiles...
independent living and support of employment for special people."
What could possibly be going on in that underdeveloped mind of yours?!
You thought you were finding a job?!
Taking buses around town?!
God!
Luke?
Luke, where are you?
I'm right here.
Was I not clear in my instructions?
Back at 2:00 p.m.
That's what it said.
My manicurist canceled.
Can I not come home whenever i feel like it?
I followed all of the instructions that you...
No, you didn't, and you know it.
God, what am I supposed to do?
am I supposed to lock you up?
I mean, is that what Maggie did? Did she lock you up
so you didn't run around doing stupid shit?
No! Grandma would never lock the door! No!
That's a lie! That's bad! bad!
Grandma was good. no screaming.
Hey, um, Luke?
I didn't mean it like that, okay?
I wasn't doing stupid shit.
I'm a grown boy. A man.
I wanted to get a job at Smiles.
If I have a job, I can live by myself.
I won't need proper care, a residential facility.
I don't want someone screaming. Screaming is bad.
I promised Maria I would visit when I have a job.
I want to see her breasts again.
Aunt Cindy, is this an emergency?
Mm, maybe, honey.
Shall I call uncle Paul on his mobile?
No, no. Let's, um...
Let's just wait a minute.
Come here.
And don't tell me you don't drink.
Luke, I won't hurt you. Or scream. I promise.
Okay.
Sit!
Drink.
Do you think I'm a bitch?
The manicurist canceled on me today because she said I was a bitch,
and she didn't want to do my nails, "no mo'."
And now officer smart-ass tells me I have to chill out and give you some space.
Does everyone think I'm a bitch?
Brad said you were a total bitch.
Megan says you're a psycho b...
Okay, thank you. thank you.
I think I'm a bitch, too.
I scream sometimes.
I shouldn't, but I do.
Breathing helps. And pancakes.
I love pancakes.
Give me that piece of paper you're hiding.
Don't think I didn't see it. Come on.
Smiles. What a wonderful name.
Yes.
I don't pretend to understand you, but it's good to have dreams.
Do you want me to take you to this Smiles place?
That would be very acceptable.
Luke...
You don't need to leave. not yet, at least...
and the thing is...
I don't want you mentioning any of this to your uncle Paul. Any of it. Really.
He's getting tired of me. He hasn't touched me since, um...
I just... I don't think I could handle a divorce.
Do you understand?
Okay.
Yeah. We should talk more often.
Mr. Nichols? Luke is here.
Lucas!
My name is Luke.
Chloe tells us that Bobby sent you to us. Is that right?
Yes, Bobby said you could get me a job.
I can't live by myself yet.
I have to wait until Aunt Cindy says that uncle Paul has touched her.
Uh, we'll come back to this later.
I see you were home-schooled. is that right?
Yes. My grandma took me out of the special school...
because they were treating me like an idiot.
No, Lucas, all this is amazing.
Do you have any special skills we should know about?
For example, can you multiply big numbers, like 999 by 999?
or memorize entire books?
I can cook breakfast and 23 different dinner entrées.
No desserts yet...
Yes, yes, yes. Of course. That's great.
And now you, uh... you want a job, is that right?
Yes. I've told you that three times now.
And I told Chloe that 33 minutes ago.
I want to be independent and live my own life.
I need a job urgently so I can ask Maria out on a date.
Since when do you cook soup, mom?
Luke cooked it, didn't he?
No, Luke didn't cook it.
Either Luke cooked it, or you forced the cleaning lady to cook again.
Yeah, don't lie to us. We're not dumb.
This is actually pretty good. You really cooked this?
Luke, would you please tell my loving family who cooked this delicious meal?
Aunt Cindy cooked the soup. It's from season 3, episode 9...
"Mediterranean masterpieces."
I can cook it better. It has too much salt.
Thank you. thank you.
I knew you cooked it. I was just, uh...
Oh, shut up.
So, Luke, you find a girlfriend yet?
That's not funny, Brad. He's been home all day.
I found a girl.
What?
You did? He did?
I was meaning to tell you, Paul.
Her name is Maria.
What the heck is going on?
Luke is gonna train for a job.
From the classifieds, like I told you?
Wait, you're the one who told him to get a job?
doing what?
And how is he getting around?
I took the bus. I followed the rules.
Honey. Where were you in all of this? Getting a manicure?
I already dealt with it, Paul.
Wait, does she have big tits?
What? It's a valid question.
Maria has very acceptable breasts.
Cousin Luke, I hope you didn't find this Maria from the classifieds.
Girls who post in the classifieds usually want money.
Okay, that's... that's quite enough of that.
Maria's not a slut like Charlene.
I will ask her out on a date as soon as I have a real paying job.
Aunt Cindy, could I have some more soup, please?
It's my pleasure, Luke.
I still don't believe you.
Want me to go in there with you?
That won't be necessary.
You sure you want to do this, Luke?
Yes. I need a job.
You keep saying that, but I don't get it.
You never wanted a job before, when you were with Maggie.
Why do you suddenly want one now?
Uncle Paul, it is good that I have dreams.
Yeah, I guess, but...
I had dreams once.
Seems like a lifetime ago.
Now it's just...I don't know what it is.
I know I wake up in the morning,
shower, get dressed, go to work, work, eat, work some more,
come home, eat, get undressed, go to sleep.
Then I wake up in the morning, and I start the whole thing all over again.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
You're not a very good listener, but that's all right.
I'll cook you something nice for dinner tonight.
That'll make everything better.
Thank you, Luke.
Uncle Paul...
Hey, Luke. Good luck.
59 minutes late. Not good. Not nice.
Let me guess. You're Luke.
Do you talk?
Yes, I speak very well.
That's a shame.
I got along very well with the last retard from Smiles.
He didn't say a single word. it was heaven.
I am not retarded, and people who call me that are...
I know that!
And if you didn't have a paper bag over your head,
you'd realize I was using irony and figures of speech!
But you probably thought I meant "paper bag" literally, didn't you?
You can relax.
You'll find your countless limitations are all known to me.
I have very low expectations.
I am very smart.
And I'm here to train for a job.
Where's my Smiles trainer who will test my abilities?
None of the Smiles trainers come here anymore.
You're all alone, and if you haven't figured it out yet, I'm your supervisor.
My name is Zack. Never Zachary.
I run the I.T. department. and I own your ass!
Don't even think about shaking my hand! To the dungeon, half-wit!
You're sharp, Luke.
I've had many Smiles kids just stand there all morning after I said that.
You should try using figures of speech and irony as much as possible.
They're necessary if you're to live in this world.
Humanity is evil.
Okay.
Do you know what I do when the people noise gets so bad that I want to scream?
No. How would I know that?
Stop being such a noise-maker, you human!
What I did back there was not appropriate.
It showed lack of self-control and poor judgment.
You don't ever do it, understand?
Yes. Screaming is very bad, I know.
The only reason I got away with it is because my father owns this company.
if you were to do something like that, you'd be escorted from the building by security.
It's happened before.
I should start my training now, yes.
Training.
My father had the walls soundproofed.
I am breathing.
I'm glad you show some higher function, Luke.
Unfortunately, the tasks you'll be performing are worthy of a preschool diploma.
you'll be sorting and delivering snail mail,
filing thousands of bullshit customer reports, and making coffee,
if the secretaries don't think you're a health hazard.
So don't let them catch you picking your nose or drooling.
I make good coffee and 23 different dinner entrée, including breakfast...
Wow! You're a regular housewife. Let's get married.
I don't care!
And I don't want to talk to you anymore.
Get your ass to work!
I have not yet received proper instruction
on how to sort and deliver snail mail, file bullshit reports,
and where is the coffee machine located?
Do I look like I'm about to be helpful?
No...
Get out of here!
Ah, you must be the new idiot.
You better hurry up with that mail.
I'm Luke. I'm not the new idiot.
Did Zack send you down here by yourself?
He just thinks everything revolves around his dark little world.
But you kids need adult supervision.
I'm not a kid, and I have not been trained in the proper procedure
to sort the snail mail. This is not acceptable.
Okay, listen carefully, because I don't repeat myself for anyone.
You pick up the mail, you see who it's addressed to,
and you put it in the corresponding bin.
The department chart is directly across from you.
The red cart goes to the south wing.
The blue cart goes to the north wing,
and then you walk around and you look at the names on people's desks
and give them their goddamn mail!
You want to know what to do with all the mail everybody keeps giving you.
Yes.
And you don't want to ask Angry Betsy by the mail room.
Yes.
So you come to me for answers.
Yes. You are my supervisor. You own my ass.
I see you took the mail. that shows initiative.
I had this Smiles girl once who
started hitting people that tried to give her packages,
and then another kid who took them, but then threw them in the trash.
I guess i'd concede I'm not the best supervisor, but...
You talk too much, Zack!
I still have the blue cart to deliver and, at my current speed,
it will take me all morning to finish.
And what about the bullshit reports and coffee?
I need to know about the packages urgently.
I can only stay until 1:00 p.m. since I'm not a paid employee.
Don't scream, please.
You can leave all the outgoing mail in the white bag
by the postage meter in the mail room.
You're not qualified to operate machinery.
Thank you.
What are you doing here?
Trying to leave, but I can't.
I mean what are you doing at this stupid company, training for this stupid job?
do you know what's your purpose to society?
Do you know why you're alive, Luke?
I'll tell you what's your purpose.
You're here to make people feel sorry for you.
You're here to remind people what a sad world we live in
where somebody like you can be born.
you're here as a living, breathing, stinking example of
everything they don't want for themselves.
And no amount of rushing to finish your chores is gonna change that or make it better.
No.
Did you say "no"?
I'm here to train for a job so I can ask Maria out on a date.
And uncle Paul doesn't know it yet, but...
someday I'm going to live by myself...
and screw. Yes.
Go straight home, Luke. Please.
Hey.
most guys would have waited at least a week
before making a second appearance.
Maria, I'm in training at Click&Easy.
Hmm, I thought you were the nerdy type.
Hey, that's a great company.
I actually applied to temp there before I ended up here, so...
Is that all you wanted to tell me?
Yes, that's all.
I will not mention your breasts again until our date when I have a job.
Right now I must concentrate on snail mail, filing bullshit reports, coffee...
Luke. What if I say no?
I mean, you're cute and all, but...
maybe I'm looking for something different in a guy.
Maria can't say no.
Tough day, huh?
Yes. Very tough.
Try getting married and having kids.
Jonas is, um...
not doing too well.
They call me at work. I have to go see the doctor at the home.
I need to see grandpa before he is dead.
Yeah. I do too.
Grandpa... I can't just figure it out.
I need you to tell me what to do, okay?
Please wake up.
I don't think I've ever seen him this way.
He seems so... so calm.
He's not snoring.
Grandpa snores like a wild hog.
He's not sleeping well. He's not calm.
Want to sit? Sit.
Do he ever mention me much?
Grandpa called me Paul when he couldn't find me in the house...
Always.
- Oh, yeah? - Yes.
Boy, was he pissed when you first showed up.
Never forgave your mother for dumping you on his doorstep.
I guess none of us did.
She only came back once to visit you...
when you were about 6 or 7, I think. Remember that?
I always knew I'd be looking after you someday.
I just didn't think it would be this soon.
I always thought you didn't understand anything.
Luke... Luke?
You know what he said to me when I came by to visit him the other day?
He said, "Hey, boy. Men don't whine.
They just go out and get it done. Period."
You realize you're the first Smiles intern I allow to use the postage meter?
This is very unlike me.
Is something going on?
what, you don't want to talk today?
Got you, retard!
I am not a retard. I've told you that already.
People who call me that...
Whatever! You can't scream in here, anyway.
The walls aren't soundproof.
So what happened?
Somebody shuffle around your baseball-card collection?
Grandpa told me to just figure it out, be a man.
But what happens when I get a job and Maria says no to a date?
It's not acceptable. I have to get my shit together fast.
Think, Luke. Think.
It's always those women, isn't it?
Yes, very much so.
Every problem has a rational solution, Luke, even women.
You met her at Smiles, right?
Maria works at easy jobs. she answers the phones.
Did you fall for an N.T.?
Maria is a nice girl with pretty breasts.
Do not use figures of speech on her.
"N.T." : Neurologically Typical. She's normal.
Does she know you're a retard?
I am not a retard, and I've told you...
Luke, you are very special, but if Betsy hears us screaming
in the mail room, my father will kick us both out.
He forced me to become a Smiles supervisor because he thinks it'll build character,
but he knows what a miserable failure i am.
i can't stay home with my mother all day.
I will die.
Don't you see, Luke?
We're alike, you and I, practically kissing cousins.
Luke. Luke.
I'm not normal, either. do you understand?
I'm nowhere near as dumb as you, but undeniably different.
Can I show you something?
It'll open your eyes.
Are you ready, Luke?
Do you see those two N.T.s by the water cooler?
They're chatting.
It's the first step. I've studied N.T. mating rituals extensively.
Here, she'll say something stupid, and he'll say something stupid in return.
But that something has to have direct relation to what she originally said.
And there's a trick.
Even though he might not be interested in what she's talking about,
he has to pretend.
This is transmitted by his tone of voice,
which has to be full of hundreds of tiny fluctuations,
and especially by eye contact.
Look in his eyes, Luke. He's staring directly at hers.
But wait. He looks away.
'cause if he stares too long, he can be seen as threatening,
and if he doesn't stare long enough, he doesn't seem interested.
It's a careful balance.
See, there, he looks back again.
This can go on for hours.
And through the whole ordeal, they have to move their hands around
and all these silly gestures, which are actually not silly at all,
but an integral part of the non-verbal-communication package.
N.T.s need to figure out if they're compatible with each other. Worthy mates.
Do you see?
Yes. I do.
Does she remind you of anyone?
She doesn't look normal.
This is a scientific instrument.
This is a human simulator. It's my masterpiece.
It's not some silly cartoon.
Mm, look out. Yes.
She's looking at me.
Camera on top of the monitor is recording you.
My proprietary software's analyzing your...
painful excuse for facial expressions, and she's reacting in turn.
She doesn't like me.
Relax your face. Relax.
N.T.s need constant feedback in the form of overtly apparent emotional signage.
if you don't make eye contact or smile at them or...
modulate your voice to make it sound pretty to listen to, then...
then they think you're a freak, plain and simple.
I programmed her to be a bitch because that's what you're up against.
I went after an N.T. once.
You can help me?
I made this program based on that N.T. I thought if...
if I pretended to be normal, then she would like me.
And she didn't.
You pretended to be normal.
Luke, you're a smart kid.
I can teach you all the computer shit you'd need to get a decent job anywhere.
You and me... we're not the same species.
We're not part of their society.
You have to accept that.
Otherwise, there's nothing but pain...
horrible, horrible pain.
I want to get my shit together like anybody else.
Help me, Zack.
I want to be a man.
I'm taking you on as a case study.
But I'm running it scientifically, and you cannot question my methods.
Got it?
I accept.
When can we start?
Luke, how was, um...
How was work today?
Work was okay. Thank you for asking.
You're very welcome.
I bet you're happy that they let you stay until 5:00 like a normal worker.
I am normal, cousin Megan.
Megan.
Yeah. You're the one who's not normal.
I mean like anybody else. You must be learning a lot, right?
Yes, cousin, I'm learning a lot, indeed.
Luke, I don't give a shit what you're learning, man.
You got to figure out something so you can come home in time to cook.
Oh, I'm sorry... teach my mom how.
You know what? Screw you all. I actually tried, okay?
All right, look, I have more potatoes and vegetables in the fridge
and two pounds of tenderloin.
How long would it take you?
It will take me 23 minutes with your kind assistance, Aunt Cindy.
By the way, isn't it a beautiful day today?
I'm ready, Zack.
Just leave it and go!
Nice shoes, Angry Betsy.
What did you say?
I said you have nice shoes on today.
They look very comfortable.
I wanted to keep my shoes that long, but...
grandma said that I looked like a common tramp and couldn't be seen with her anymore.
But I bet they don't make your little toe hurt at all.
No. No, they don't.
There. You passed your first real-world test.
pure luck, in my opinion.
I want you to clock in more time on the N.T. simulator.
I've added voice-recognition software.
Zack, she is not real.
Maria. How?!
How many Marias working at Easy Jobs in the city do you think there are?
You met Maria?
No, Luke, I don't venture unnecessarily into public.
Jose, the night janitor. He filled out a job application and took her photo.
By the way, he said she had really nice chi-chis.
So as N.T.s go, you picked a good one. Jose is a connoisseur.
Don't get too excited. I turned the bitch factor down to half.
This is very acceptable, Zack.
You know you'll never really be normal, right?
You know this is all about pretending.
You have less than one in a billion chance of NOT making a fool of yourself.
Then I will practice a lot.
Luke. Luke, how long do i boil the carrots again?
The carrots are not to be cooked separately.
They are to be placed in the roasting pan with the potatoes and onions.
Right. Shit.
Aunt Cindy, are you sure you don't want my close supervision?
I'm not an idiot, Luke.
I can follow simple instructions.
Hello, nice to see you.
Oh, hi.
I read that one last year.
My guidance counselor gave it to me because...
she thought I didn't have enough friends.
Did it help?
No.
What helps?
Nothing, really. Some things just suck.
And then they don't.
And then they just suck again.
I haven't read that one. Can't comment.
Hey, I found something.
It's an old videotape. It has your name on it.
You want to see it?
I can't believe I got it working.
This camera's from the '90s or something.
You can sit if you want.
Is that you?
Yes.
What are you doing?
Playing...
...in grandma Maggie's garden.
I don't have shoes on.
It feels nice.
Luke, come back. come back right now.
Come here, Luke. Come. Come.
Turn it off.
I turned the chicken halfway through, so it's golden-brown now.
I think it's done. I took it out.
and I put the brown rice on, so it will be fresh for dinner.
And I did exactly what you said. I didn't use too much water. Two to one.
Exactly.
Is the chicken skin crispy?
It has to make a sound when you poke it.
I don't think it's crispy like that, Luke.
It's not ready, then.
The middle is pink and should not be eaten.
Someone could get very sick.
Great.
I will fix the chicken.
Now it's done.
Okay...
Paul told me not to mention it,
but I have to tell you I think your mother is a whore of a person.
If you don't have anything nice to say, you shouldn't say anything at all.
Yes, I know, Luke. I'm sorry.
At least I didn't swear, right?
You know, we went to see her after Maggie died
to see if she'd take you, and...
I should have punched her in her stupid face for how she's treated you. Sorry.
I did it again.
Grandma Maggie said that Sara loved me in her own way.
I don't know what way that is.
You know what?
You should show up and make a scene...
scream and break shit and go all autistic on her. That's what I'd do.
I want to see Sara.
I guess you're deciding what to do with your own life now, anyway, huh?
Your mother works at the jewelry store at the mall.
Good luck.
Now that we've selected an appropriate test subject,
I think the most important thing is gonna be getting personal.
And I'm not talking about, you know, what stupid shoes are you wearing.
I mean intimate.
So you'll have to actually ask questions and engage in conversation.
We should do something about your appearance.
Your shoes, your shirt, your hair, your face.
No screaming, please.
I told you. I would require complete dedication!
Don't you care about your next assignment?!
I know my next assignment, Zack.
Oh, now you're the expert.
Suddenly, after reading only two self-help books, you know more.
I've sorted through hundreds of personnel files
to select a perfect scientific companion for you!
Zack, you're a good person,
and you're doing a very good job,
but I need to do something first.
You can help me, Zack.
What exactly do you have in mind?
Your friend doesn't get out much, does he?
Zack prefers to avoid humans,
especially neurologically typicals in social settings
but today his scientific curiosity has gotten the better of him.
By the way, isn't it a beautiful day today?
Yes, it is.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
This isn't just your disorder! this is you!
You're a certifiable moron-idiot!
I could have done better picking a capuchin monkey for my study.
A monkey I could understand, but you...
No screaming in the mall, Zack, or the jewelry store.
It's not acceptable. Please control yourself.
Don't you see?
This will ruin everything.
This will not be acceptable.
This will set us back.
It will set you back.
Hello, my name is Luke. Isn't it a beautiful day today?
It's a shit day, Luke!
You just don't realize it.
You can't smell the stink.
I agree that this bench has a strange smell,
but in my experience, bad smells usually pass.
And bathing helps, Zack.
Take off those stupid glasses.
They make you look way too smart.
The lady at the store said they made me look sexy.
They don't make you look sexy.
You don't look sexy.
You never look sexy, so don't even try.
She said they made me look sexy without even trying.
I'm ready, Zack.
Sir?
Sir? Can I help you find something?
No. I'm busy...looking at this necklace.
Well, um, let me know if you need any help. I'm John.
Where are you?
Where is Sara? She was right there, and...
Was she helping you?
I'm sorry, um, maybe I can help? Come on.
I bet you're looking for something for that special someone, right?
My mother is great at picking out the perfect gift.
Yes, I was going to ask Sara to help me find a present for M...
Sara is your mother.
This, yeah, is the family business.
Sir...
I know I'm young, but you let me in on how much you want to spend
what's the occasion, and i can guarantee you
that together, we'll find that special something.
There's no need to be nervous.
You are so tall.
Or you could wait for my mother.
She'll be back from her break in 30 minutes.
Yes. 30 minutes.
You will help me find earrings for Maria... Sara's son.
Okay. Perfect. Well, uh, we have this piece.
they're gorgeous. Um...
Luke! Luke! Luke!
You gave it your best shot, but now you need to admit defeat and retreat.
You're not prepared for a non-jewelry-store interaction.
I'm canceling the field test.
I'm in charge, remember?
I'm leaving, Luke. i won't be part of this madness.
You can leave. I'll get home by myself.
Don't you see how stressed out I am?!
Yes, but that's not my concern right now.
There she is.
Don't do this.
I'm... I won't stay. I'm... I'm going home.
Okay.
Hi, there.
Hello...there.
I was just leaving. Do you want to sit here?
Oh, you should not leave.
Isn't it a beautiful day today?
Kind of windy.
- Do you want to join... - Can I sit down?
You remind me of my son.
He's shy...but cute.
I have made his acquaintance.
You shopped in my store.
I knew you looked familiar.
John was nice.
Yes. I'm proud of him.
You're nervous. I can tell.
It's an important day, isn't it?
Can I... can I see what you bought?
She must be very special.
We have similar tastes.
I wouldn't be nervous.
I think you'll be very happy with those earrings.
That would be very nice.
I need all the help I can get with Maria.
How long have you known her?
We've spoken on two occasions,
and I think she's very nice and will like to travel.
You've never dated.
I have to get a job first. I'm working on that.
Are you happy, Sara?
I don't like to answer that question.
I just look away and talk about the weather.
You can talk about the weather.
Isn't it a beautiful day today?
I never thought I'd be able to speak to you.
You're beautiful.
My family doesn't...
John doesn't know.
Please don't... please don't tell him.
I'm not ready.
I'm sorry... I'm sorry.
Please don't go. Please don't go. I don't understand.
I did everything right.
Please, I did everything right. I did everything right.
Please don't go. I did everything right.
I did everything right, Sara. Please, please, please.
I did everything right. Please, please. Don't go.
I don't understand! I don't understand!
That was not nice!
I decided not to cancel the field test after all.
I'm still in charge, you know.
Though you obviously don't know the first thing about scientific procedures.
Anyway, I stayed.
That's what friends are for. So I've read somewhere.
I'm glad you got rid of those ridiculous glasses.
Yes. Me too.
No more pretending, okay?
Okay. Retard.
I don't know what could be taking him so long.
I mean, he's... he's never usually this late.
No, never.
Don't worry. He knows all the bus routes.
I'd be more worried about Brad.
You know what? We should get him a cellphone.
- Yeah, yeah. - Right?
I think you're right. Yeah.
He's probably been promoted to C.E.O.
He's re-organizing the company as we speak.
Right?
Luke.
Come in. Come in.
Whoa. What's up with the new threads?
Brad.
What?
I think you look cool.
It's late. I know. And I broke some of the house rules.
- It's okay. - I'm sorry.
Have a seat.
Luke, I need to tell you something.
Jonas died this afternoon.
We're having a service for him tomorrow.
Thank you for telling me, uncle Paul.
Would you like some dinner?
I think my meat loaf came out okay. No one got sick, anyway.
Yes, I am very hungry.
Do I have a booger in my nose?
Or is there something in my teeth?
No. You're okay, cousin.
Are you sad, Luke?
Grandpa was old...and sick.
And he missed Maggie very much.
Are you sure you're okay?
I'm very tired.
But I am happy.
- You are? - Really?
What a stupid question.
Of course he's happy. Just look at him.
Is that better, uncle Paul?
You're a real smart ass, you know that?
Yes. I am a smart ass.
It's good to have you home.
Uh, just...bring it here.
Angry Betsy.
So Zack's been canned.
The big boss is waiting for you in the conference room.
Good luck, kid.
Hurry up! Go!
Come in.
- Excuse us. - Thank you.
Thank you. We'll reconvene.
Close the door, Luke.
Have a seat.
So, Luke, I'll get straight to the point.
I need a job, Mr. Click&Easy. I will be a very good worker.
I already know how to use the postage meter and make coffee
and file bullshit reports and deliver snail mail.
Zack says I'm a very quick learner, and I haven't learned computer shit yet.
I wish I knew what happened to Zack, but please don't throw me out.
I haven't asked Maria out on a date yet.
Are you done?
Yes. I'm done.
Listen, Zachary's on his way to
to head my research and development office,
and he's going there because of you.
He told me...
"If that idiot Luke can pull what he did
then I don't see why I shouldn't be able to
adapt my social-pattern-recognition software to be whored into use
as a direct marketing tool."
He also said I was to give you a job.
And if I didn't, he'd scream.
It's very annoying when Zack screams.
Yeah, tell me about it.
So, Luke...
Would you accept being the new official Click&Easy office trainee?
Would I learn computer shit as an office trainee?
Oh, it's required. Zachary said so.
Yes, I accept.
Good.
Thank you.
Does this mean I have a paid paid job?
Some people can scratch out an existence on what you'll be receiving,
but I've heard the benefits are great.
Luke, get to work.
Yes. Thank you.
Cindy and I made love today.
We haven't had sex in over a year.
I don't know why I'm telling you all this... But I am
Is it nice...to screw?
Yes. It's very nice.
Luke. What are you doing here?
Maria, I have a job that pays real money and gives benefits.
And as you can tell, I am not staring at your breasts, but at your beautiful eyes.
I would like to ask you out on a date...with me...to a restaurant
or a movie or a bar.
But I can't drink any alcohol because it makes me act silly.
Do you accept, Maria?
I'm glad you finally got the job, Luke.
And I like your new hair.
That does not answer my question.
I'm sorry, Luke.
So, I can assume you are declining my offer, then, Maria.
Yes. Sorry.
My relatives tell me that I'm quite a catch.
So you'll probably regret this...
A lot.
There's, um... there's always a next time, right?
Yes. There is.
And Angry Betsy is teaching me to use the internet.
There are 3.2 billion females on this planet.
I only need to find one.
That's very true.
Subtitles resync by Maya K.
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